(I built the crib in this photo from foraged bones. That’s why it looks so pure white.)
1. I’m right about everything.
I’m the kind of mom who wins every facebook fight she gets into. Nobody that I’ve ever voted for has lost an election. My petitions are so good my pinterest page for them has like 3 million followers. I have a “hack” for everything. I believe in myself and if people living in poverty want to get out of it, they just need to visualize. I’ve watched a lot of Oprah, not just Super Soul Sunday, old school Oprah, where she interviewed trans people and created books.
2. MY kid knows how to behave.
You might think you see my kid melting down in Wal-Mart because I’m making her sit in the cart instead of running around the store getting lost and taking down the displays causing fire hazards and eating the produce in the middle of the floor (like a brat!) but really she’s just EXPRESSING herself because I taught her sign language in the womb and now she is advanced at both verbal communication and echo-location.
3. I feed my kid the RIGHT way.
My breast milk was so magical that now my daughter can only survive on the purest of foods. You will never see me giving my kid fast food (more like toxic sludge, amiright?) because I have the time, energy and money to make her homemade organic kale biscuits and turkey puffs FROM SCRATCH that she loves (or she starves without) during my weekly meal prep sessions where I gently and educationally include her in the process, teaching her the right way to handle the raw meats and LOCAL vegetables I grow in my backyard garden with only the finest essential oils. NO WATER here- CLIMATE CHANGE. Once a week I give her a sugar-free lemon dust sorghum cookie as a “special.”
4. I have a GIRL.
I see a lot of moms walking around in strollers with boys. (I exclusively babywear. My daughter’s feet won’t touch the ground until I SAY SO). I just don’t see how they do it. How will they plan his wedding? Their fathers don’t even get to take them to their first purity ball. How do you even control a boy? How do you make it wear a headband?
5. I figured out all my problems BEFORE having a kid.
Before I had my daughter I was debt-free, a homeowner, a HYBRID driver, with a respectable middle class income from my rewarding career that offered excellent benefits and 6 weeks paid vacation (maternity leave) a year (that I promptly surrendered after my first OBGYN visit to confirm my first pregnancy). I had a robust savings account, retirement account and I frugally saved on wedding expenses to my supportive loving husband by making my own centerpieces out of reclaimed bird’s nests (with REAL EGGS- ORGANIC- REUSABLE!) I have a coupon e-mail and a regular e-mail. I use a fertility tracking app.
6. I know what’s wrong with you.
Stressed? Tired? Are you hoping for FREEDOM? Please join my private facebook group to find out about an exciting business opportunity that can make you $$$$$$ and help you lose weight at the same time!
7. I take time for me.
My appointment book can get really crazy, between my duties as a wife and a mother, voluntourism commitments, church groups, mommy meet-ups, intimacy dates with my husband, brunches, book club, community gardening, monitoring my daughter’s screen time, my wholesome home-based business, play dates, crafts, etc… that sometimes a mom just needs a break (wine)! So I make sure to schedule 5 minutes a day just for me. I go to my bathroom, look at myself in the mirror, give myself a good slap and do my affirmations. It gives me all the strength I need to get back out there and conquer. I’m fine.