Bandwidth

Historically, the chances of me consistently keeping up with a regular blog are about 6%. I have ideas, oh yes, I have ideas, but will I push through? In the past I have written, and to nobody’s shock more than mine, actually been PUBLISHED writing, about all manner of pop culture, style, fashion, beauty, dating, parenting, pregnancy, and OTHER topics (sex).  I have made literally hundreds of dollars doing so. (Maybe one day I will crack a thousand… #goals). I always miss writing, and I have this idea every time I get a hankering to get really serious about my blogging again that I will have fun things everyone can look forward to, like Pop Culture Wednesday, where I’ll talk about all the entertainment stuff that I’m into. There might also be Feelings Friday, where I talk about my feelings of the week (riveting). There will be a whole topic for every day. Wouldn’t that be something?

The idealistic over-ambitious fantasy in my head is off and running: Relationships Thursday, Breastfeeding Monday, even Recipes Tuesday! I will have Style Saturday and Sundays off, like Chic-fil-A, because it’s the Lord’s day, and football day, and finish my laundry day.  I know everyone would love to know about my laundry routine though right? Maybe I should do a whole post about it. Or just instagram?

But then what happens? I honestly don’t know. I recently read a whole twitter thread that had me self-diagnosing myself with ADHD. Then I thought, it’s hormonal! Then I thought, hey, cut yourself some slack. You’re a single parent, a full time student, you work, you try to have a social life, a romantic life. Then I thought, those are excuses!  You’re a writer. What would Anne Lamott say?  Put your butt in the chair and write! Then I think, writing is not an identity!

Then I think… is writing really what I want to use up bandwidth on? (I heard Marie Forleo use the term bandwidth on a facebook video and now I will use this term in conversation every day for two straight weeks). What about going back to the open mic and doing some jokes? You haven’t ridden your bike for two weeks! You have been meaning to wipe down your yoga mat since Halloween, maybe that needs your bandwidth. What’s my kid doing? Why’s it so quiet in here? Maybe I do have ADHD. I should really wipe down my champagne glasses so they’re not dusty when I have Christmas Mimosas. Ooooh… Christmas, I need to do more shopping!

And here’s the thing, maybe I will find time to keep blogging, and maybe I won’t. Maybe I just need a morning routine. Maybe I just need self-care. Maybe I just need a skin-care regimen. I’m 36 after all.  Why do I still not have a skin-care regimen? I recently read that making a goal your New Year’s Resolution means that you’re 70% more likely to give up on it. Maybe I should do nothing.

How about this year, instead of promising that I will change everything about myself to accommodate the crazy woman in my head that believes I will somehow turn 24 hours in a day into 28 hours (what? I just need 4 more hours), I will just do what I can, every day. Today, I will blog, because today, I have the bandwidth to blog, and if I get to all those other fun blogging goals, then I will get to them. Blogging today, right now, is something I want to do and something that’s giving me feels and helping me live an expressed life and I’m gonna take this win. What I’m not gonna do, is believe a lie that giving every day everything I’ve got, still isn’t enough.

Something I have done lately, that I highly recommend to anyone else who gets caught up in this lie, is to make a “Done” list, rather than a to-do list. Make a list of every single thing you did in a day and leave nothing out. Everything from washing your hair to washing your dishes, all the tasks you did at work, etc… If you do something repetitively at work like answer e-mails or wait tables, count how many you did. I did this 3 days in a row and instantly realized I’m being really hard on myself.  I also stopped doing it after 3 days because it had now become something else I had to do.

I guess my point is… there’s no reason to feel guilty about not accomplishing ALL the things. You don’t actually have to stretch yourself beyond capacity. Do you feel you have a rich and rewarding life? Are you getting everything you WANT out of your life? Those are better questions.

So I will blog today, without the need to blog PERFECTLY, forever, on a tight schedule, with a highly strategized personal brand.  I will just give every day everything I have, and call it a win.